


Do-Over

by Tobyaudax



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Dissociation, Grief/Mourning, Horror, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, reflections on death, self-neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 06:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16279628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tobyaudax/pseuds/Tobyaudax
Summary: Do-over, nouna new attempt or opportunity to do something after a previous attempt has been unsuccessful or unsatisfactoryThe year is 2025 and Barry Allen failed to stop Savitar from murdering Iris West.





	Do-Over

**Author's Note:**

> Please be mindful of the tags, as this is kind of heavy, emotionally.

He's been trying not to sleep, but his body doesn't want to cooperate. It's not like Barry _does_ anything anymore- his movements, when he can bring himself to get up, are slow and human. He hasn't connected with the Speed Force in months, maybe years. Time passes without his noticing or caring and he sleeps against his will. Every dream is a nightmare, especially the ones where he stops Savitar, saves Iris, and takes her home to the apartment he hasn't set foot in since the night she died. Those dreams are the worst because when he inevitably (unfortunately) wakes up, he's reminded all over again of his failure. Iris is still dead, still in the cemetery plot- the grave- next to her mother.

Joe hasn't stopped by in a while and Barry is relieved. His adoptive father never said so, never gave any outward indication, but Barry can't imagine Joe doesn't blame him for Iris's death. He blames himself enough for everyone- he's the only one who could've prevented it. He's the only reason she's not here, not sleeping comfortably in their apartment while Barry runs around Central, keeping people safe. He laughs at the thought, letting the harsh, brittle sound fade into coughing and then quiet, hysterical sobs. Neither Barry Allen nor the Flash can save anyone and he wonders, in the dim and dark corner of STAR Labs that he so rarely leaves, if he ever did. He's certainly cost people their lives, caused damage to Central that he never got back to fixing… inspired some to sacrifice themselves for a greater good that Barry no longer believes in.

It's funny that he should think of Snart. He loses time and when he screams awake from watching Iris die at his own hands again, Mick Rory is standing above him, one hand stretched out awkwardly as though he were going to shake Barry or possibly comfort him. Barry's had nothing to do with Rory, with the few good things that have happened to him since joining the Legends. If only the rest of the people he's known had been so lucky. He wishes for the millionth time that Eobard had killed him that night instead of his mom. Maybe then, everyone else would be okay, still alive. Rory is talking and Barry blinks himself into the present, nodding sluggishly until the bigger man's words seep through the fog in his mind.

"-showed up a few hours ago, on the Waverider's bridge. You eat today? Look like shit."

"What?" Barry swallows several times, un-sticking his tongue from the sandpaper on the roof of his mouth. "What showed up?"

Rory stares at him for a good, long while before he speaks, the word so quiet Barry isn't immediately certain he heard right.

"Snart."

In the face of all his failures, Iris's death foremost, it's unfair how many beats Barry's heart skips, the way his pulse quickens and his head swims from the rush of adrenaline and what might be happiness at the name. He stands, staggers, grabs onto Rory to steady himself.

"Where? Is he okay? Where is he- why didn't he come with you-?"

"Dead," Rory says, the word like a gunshot, deflating Barry's lungs. "Still dead. He just- his body showed up, dead. Figured… might as well bring him back to Central. Give Lisa some closure."

"You checked? Gideon checked him?" Barry grips Rory's arms, frantically searching his face as he fires off questions. "Did you run every test? Did Constantine look at him? Did anyone take him to the future and see if he can be- if anyone can revive him? Is it a coma? There are comas that look like death and he might-"

"He's just dead, Flash." Rory's voice is flat, as lifeless as he says Leonard Snart still is. Barry starts breathing again when blackness threatens at the outside of his vision.

Rory leaves him propped against the wall, but Barry stumbles after him when he disappears behind the dusty, plastic curtain. Snart's body is in the Cortex, laid out on a table that was cleared off just for him. His clothes look filthy and worn, but his body, his face and his right hand look just as Barry remembers them. The left hand and part of his arm- Barry can't see how much- are just gone. The tattered sleeve of his shirt lies flat where most of his forearm should be. Barry observes him from the entrance, too tired and scared to come any closer. He glances carefully around the room and sees that only Sara Lance and Ray Palmer came with Rory. Lisa Snart is on the other side of the table, holding her dead brother's perfect right hand and looking at Barry as though he's a particularly offensive cockroach. She's not wrong.

"You look like shit, Barry," Sara says. She's smiling, trying to tease him, but he has a pretty good idea what he looks like. Even though he's destroyed or obscured all the reflective surfaces, he knows he looks about as bad as he feels all the time: "like shit" sounds pretty accurate.

"When was the last time you ate something? Or, uh, showered?" Palmer looks concerned and uncomfortable and Barry wonders what he's doing there. It occurs to him after another bout of lost time that of the people he last knew were on the Waverider, only Lance and Palmer, and of course Rory, knew Snart.

"-got him a nice place near his ma," Rory was saying to Barry. About Snart and where they were going to bury him. Bury his body; his dead body. Barry nods mechanically, eyes straying to Lisa's white knuckles over Leonard's limp, lifeless hand.

Barry is in a graveyard, under a starless sky, halfway finished digging a hole- a grave- Snart's grave. Palmer and Rory both have to pull him out and hold him down until the panic attack subsides. He clings to the tombstone and watches Sara take his place with the shovel. Lisa sits on the ground, as careless of the damp, cold earth as Barry, one hand on the lid of the expensive, elaborate coffin that holds her brother's body. He wonders if they got Snart a different outfit, cleaned him up. If Rory dressed him and placed him gently in the casket. He wonders if Snart is as lonely in there as Barry is just being alive.

He's able to help put the beautiful coffin in the ground and even adds a few respectful shovels-full of earth before he has to sit down and catch his breath. The hole is filled during one of his many time lapses and Sara has just said a few words. Palmer says a prayer and Barry and Lisa are the only ones who don't lower their heads and close their eyes. Lisa stares at the fresh mound of dirt and Barry watches her, Palmer's and then Rory's words fading into white noise. A bouquet of blue roses is placed in front of the tombstone and out of nowhere, Barry's brain walks him through the process of coloring white roses.

The drive back to the Labs is quiet and Barry is present for every silent, awkward minute. He sits in the back, between Palmer and Sara who both have their windows down and are failing to disguise that it's because of how bad Barry must smell. He doesn't know when he last showered or ate. This isn't the first time the Legends have been back to Central, to Barry's present, since he failed to save Iris. They want him to take up being the Flash again, to at least make an effort at protecting the city and helping save the world, but he can't do it. Just looking at the suit makes him dry heave; there's never enough food in his stomach for vomit. He can't do it again, knowing that eventually, sooner rather than later, he'll be responsible for someone else's death.

Lisa stays in the car when they return to STAR Labs. Palmer and Sara give him another half-hearted talk about trying again, at least cleaning himself up and putting the suit on. He hears himself promise to try, and can tell by the looks on their faces that they know he's lying. Rory stays behind for a while, standing a few feet away and just staring at him. Barry doesn't have the energy to say anything- he doesn't even know what he could say.

"Not your fault," Rory tells him. "Stubborn bastard would'a done it even if he'd never met you. S'not your fault."

Rory's still talking when he finally leaves, muttering to himself and shaking his head. Barry's too tired to follow and ask him why he felt the need to lie about Snart. He's not self-important enough (or at all) to think he was the only reason Snart gave his life for the team, but he knows he was definitely a factor in that fatal decision. If he hadn't been constantly badgering Snart to be better, goading him with the certainty that there was good in him, maybe Snart would've come up with a better way, a plan that didn't end in his death.

He's in the kitchen, eating a stale calorie bar and watching half the bites fall out of his mouth and onto the filthy counter. He moves a soggy crumb around with one finger and wonders when Snart last ate something. Barry wishes he'd been aware when they got him new clothes- they must've gotten him new clothes- so he could know for sure if he'll be warm enough. The ground was so cold when Barry was sitting next to the grave, it can't be much warmer inside the coffin. He knows Joe made sure Iris was dressed nicely before she was buried and the few times he left the Labs in those early days and weeks, he always saw Joe at the cemetery, leaving fresh flowers for his daughter. Will Lisa visit her brother? Will she bring new roses when the ones out there now wilt and die?

The counter is clean, calorie bar- crumbs and all- gone. His stomach isn't knotted up and moaning, so he must've eaten it. Barry finds another bar and eats it a little faster, focusing on chewing and swallowing. It tastes horrible and sticks to his back teeth, but its food. He washes it down with lukewarm tap water and starts to head back to his little corner, that place in the Labs he thinks of as home, but he can't stop thinking about Snart. When he was alive, when he was Captain Cold and facing off against the Flash, he was always at least two steps ahead. Snart had a plan for everything, seemed to even know where Barry would go and fire his cold gun to either trap or trip the Flash. And the few times Barry had managed to convince Snart to work with him had been nothing short of amazing- the times that hadn't ended in betrayal, at least.

From their first encounter, Snart seemed to understand Barry, to get him on a level that Eobard-Wells and even Cisco and Caitlin didn't. He was ready for almost everything Barry threw at him and he had fun doing it. Barry stands outside STAR Labs, staring up through his dirty hair at the clear sky, and realizes that Snart was his favourite nemesis. He finds another calorie bar in his hand and eats it. He half walks, half jogs back to the cemetery. Snart probably already knows, but Barry thinks it might make him feel better to hear Barry say it. It has to be lonely out there, and it's only going to get colder. Barry just wants to make sure he'll be warm enough, that's all. He's already holding a shovel, though he's not sure where he got it.

It's quieter in the cemetery when he's alone, with Snart in the ground. Barry will make sure he's dressed nicely, comfortable, maybe talk with him for a little bit- that's all. When the shovel first hits the fresh earth, Barry pauses and looks around. He knows it's late because it's so dark, he didn't see anyone on the walk/jog over and the gate was locked and chained shut, but he's still careful. The second and third shovels-full are much easier and he uses his Speed for the first time in a very long time to get right to the casket. He slows enough to avoid scraping up the nice finish and then the lid is open and Barry sighs, relieved, to see that Snart is both clean and dressed in a nice suit. He looks like he's sleeping, his brow smooth, and there are only faint lines around his mouth and under his eyes. He looks tired- as tired as Barry has felt for a while, now.

"You're my favourite, you know," Barry whispers as he straddles the coffin, crouches and reaches inside to touch Snart's hand. His fingers trace cold skin and he frowns. It's too cold out to be in the ground, especially with winter just around the corner (he thinks- he's not really sure what time of year it is). He gingerly lifts Snart's hand, feeling the weight of it, the lack of resistance, the fact that Snart isn't pulling away or recoiling from the contact. Barry will just take him back to STAR Labs, let him warm up, and then bring him back. He's just so cold- he shouldn't be so cold.

Barry removes and lays his own jacket on the ground and sets Snart on top of it, then closes the coffin and fills the hole back in. If Lisa comes back tonight and sees the grave disturbed, she'll be so upset; Barry doesn't want anyone to be upset because of him or something he's done. Snart is heavy and unwieldy in his arms, but Barry taps into the Speed Force again and in an instant, they're back in the Labs, in the Cortex. He lays Snart out on the table where he'd been hours (or a day or so) ago and Barry thinks he looks a little strange under the dim lights. Maybe it's the chill Barry felt seeping out of him, the clamminess of his hand and neck, but no. It's the clothes, the suit. It's a nice suit, probably the nicest Barry's ever seen, but it just doesn't look like something Snart would wear.

"I'll be right back," Barry whispers, voice hoarse with disuse. He scours the entire building in a matter of minutes and returns with Snart's Captain Cold parka, still in storage from the day Barry pulled him out of time in a fruitless attempt to stop Savitar. He loses time again, comes back to himself under the table, knees pressed painfully to his chest and gasping for air. At least he had the presence of mind to put the parka on top of Snart before the panic attack hit. He maneuvers the coat onto Snart and that looks much better. But the _suit_ … It really stands out, too navy and the shirt too crisp and white, spotted with dirt from where Barry held him as he ran. He lets Snart know he'll return again and heads back to the kitchen, devouring the remaining calorie bars there and gulping down water. He needs the energy to find better clothes for Snart.

As he races around Central City and collects the right sweater, jeans and boots, he remembers all the times he entertained the idea that he and Leonard could be… more. Iris was always first, always his True Love, but after Flashpoint, when Barry was once again at rock bottom, he thought about Leonard. And after the Dominators, he wondered if they ever could have found a middle ground. He used to imagine grudging team-ups and bonding over post-meta battle first aid. He would touch himself and pretend his hand was Leonard's.

"Did you ever think we could be more?" He asks as he ties the too-long laces of Leonard's boots with a flourish and takes a step back. God, that's so much better! The only thing missing is the cold gun and its harness, but Barry can fix one of those. He locates the last one, the final copy of the cold gun Cisco had made in a last-ditch effort to fight… Barry sets the gun on the table next to Leonard's hand and smiles. His cheeks ache from it. But the Labs aren't very warm and certainly aren't a great place to spend the night, so Barry scoops Leonard up in a bridal carry and rushes them to his (and Iris's) apartment. He bought it outright, with his stupid inheritance from Eobard, though the electricity and water have long since been shut off. The fireplace works just fine, though, and Barry gets a cheerful blaze going in a matter of minutes.

He set Leonard on the couch when he got in- after removing the dust cover- and the other man listed to one side as Barry worked on warming the place up. Barry sits beside him, carefully adjusting him so he's leaning back on the cushions, legs falling open and arms spread carelessly at his sides. The cold gun sits on the now dust-free coffee table and Barry is struck with the urge to clean. Leonard's been gone for a while and its bad enough the apartment doesn't have power, it doesn't have to be filthy, too. He speed cleans and then breaks into the basement to at least turn the water back on- he can smell himself and there's no way he's going to sit next to Leonard like this.

After a long, cool shower, Barry stands in the doorway of his old bedroom and watches Leonard as he splays in front of the fire. With Leonard dressed in his Captain Cold gear, it would only be fitting, familiar, for Barry to get the Flash suit. His stomach doesn't clench and he doesn’t feel his heart seize, so he dashes off in the moment and returns to settle next to Leonard as the Flash, the cowl behind him like the hood on a sweatshirt. He takes his left glove off and runs his fingertips over Leonard's hand; the skin is still cool, but no longer ice cold. Barry chuckles at the words and then tells Leonard what he was laughing at. It doesn't feel as strange as he thought it would, sitting next to his old nemesis. It's nice, comfortable, and he feels better than he can remember. It's easy to hold onto Leonard's hand, link their fingers and offer some of his own warmth.

Leonard's head tilts to one side again, rolls onto his shoulder at what must be an uncomfortable angle. Barry had shifted closer, jostling the cushion and making Leonard move. A few seconds later, he thinks it's a trick of the firelight that Leonard's eye twitches, but then Leonard blinks and Barry slows time and watches him, tracks the voluntary movement of lids over eyes, the brush of long lashes against cheeks. Barry forces himself to stay put, to keep calm. If he panics, cries, or moves away, he'll ruin it; this one-in-a-trillion chance. When Leonard's head moves slowly, on its own, in small shudders and jerks to fix both open eyes on him, Barry doesn't question things any further.

\--

Barry starts going out as the Flash again; short trips, at first, stopping small crimes and returning home in-between to check on Leonard. He brings Cisco back to the Labs, but doesn't spend too much time with him; there are no conversations longer than a few sentences. Within a few weeks, he visits Joe and they very slowly work on reconnecting, on fitting each other into their lives. Things will never be the same between them, but they're trying, healing, building something new.

Barry always returns home to Leonard. He can't talk, there's no air in his lungs, so Barry learns how to read his lips. Leonard still can't move very well and he's so stubborn, but he's letting Barry do more for him every day. He can walk on his own, though he'll never regain his smooth, prowling saunter. Sometimes, on good days, he tries to tidy up while Barry is out. There's enough of Barry's inheritance left to keep them comfortable and Leonard has told him where some of his spoils from old heists are stored, just in case, so there's no need for Barry to get a day job.

Barry gets the idea that Leonard doesn't want to see Lisa or Mick; even though Barry has assured him they'd be ecstatic, Leonard doesn't want his loved ones, his family, to see him as he is now. He doesn't say it (not just because he can't), but Leonard has to know that Barry is more than happy to have him all to himself. Barry has someone to look after, to care for. And he's going to make sure that nothing ever happens to someone he loves, ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was heavily inspired by the short story "Later", written by Michael Marshall Smith. I've only found it in the collection "The Mammoth Book of Zombies", with newer editions titled "The Monster Book of Zombies". You can watch a [short film based on that story](http://www.michaelmarshallsmith.com/later/), at least.  
> I was also inspired by [this beautiful piece](https://juniwonderlandart.tumblr.com/post/177599402474/how-are-you-feeling-today-yes-i-would-like-to?is_highlighted_post=1) by tumblr user [juniwonderlandart](https://juniwonderlandart.tumblr.com/). Her art is much more positive than my story (depending on how you interpret the ending, anyway), but I was moved by the idea of a connection to Leonard having any kind of healing effect on Barry's mental state in that future/timeline.
> 
> Thanks for reading and Happy Hallowe'en!


End file.
